Dear GZ Advisor,
My biological mother has just recently called. She abandoned my sister and I when I was just four. For eight long years my dad supported us. Now she wants back into my life after I have moved on and my dad has remarried. I don't refer to her as mom. What should I do?
It's no wonder you're not sure what to do ... this would be a very confusing situation for anyone to deal with. Be gentle with yourself as you search for what you really want, and know that it may take awhile for you to sort through things.
You really need a trusted adult to talk to about this. Find someone who can be objective. That person may be your father or someone else such as a favorite teacher, counselor, religious leader, or another available adult. Explain what's going on, and ask him or her to help you sort through your feelings, concerns, and options. (And, if you haven't discussed the situation with your sister, you may want to ask her to join you since she may be confused as well.)
Even though you don't refer to your birth mother as Mom, you may decide to try to get to know her as a person. Once you get to know her better, you'll be in a better position to decide whether or not you want her to be part of your life after all of these years. No doubt there were many reasons for her having left you. Learning about her history may help you to put some things in perspective. Even though you say you have moved on, most of us are curious about our birth parents for a variety of reasons.
By giving her a chance to spend some time with you, you may discover some interesting things about yourself.
You may even decide that you want to have her in your life. If that isn't your decision, at least you'll know you thought things through carefully in order to choose what's really best for you.
Take good care, GZ Advisor