Hate My Life

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Hate My Life

Dear GZ Advisor,

I'm from Morocco, I'm a freshman college student majoring in english and I have been in depression for the last five years . I'm so sad, i dont know how or why but i've gotten to the point where I hate my country, people, and myself. I just don't like anything in my life; people are really  bad , i can't make true friends, only materialistic ones , or the normal friends already have their groups, I'm in college sitting alone, I hangout with them but they're not honest. People are living just to show up, especially in our culture, u need to have the last model of "salon texture " hair, the latest clothes. The food is hard to prepare and every girl has to learn the moroccan cuisine. My mom forces me to learn it because she thinks that ur a loser in Morocco if you don't learn it. She insults me everyday, she says i'm a loser, i'm morroccan i shouldn't hate it. Also, I've been travelling to some different countries due to my dad's work. Now, we decided to stay in Morocco forever, my family is middle class , we have no money but we survive. However, there's stress at home, my parents are fighting every day. My mom is depressed too but tries to be positive. She controls me and abuses me even after she fights with dad. He abuse me too, always  threatning me. Even if i'm sick and I can't clean the house, my mom starts to scream, then he comes, he threaten me and hit me. I always live in fear, I cant even move out. Here in morocco there's no jobs for students, only for people who have a degree. I don't have any realtives to stay with , my family have bad relationships. I enrolled in economic studies last year as a freshman studen, but i failed due to depression , but this year i will try to work hard. Im so sad  no matter what ...even if i say i'll be positive i cant be , because i live in my reality. I only can change that if I get money and move out , but now i have to stay here for years. I tried to suicide but my parents interrupted me. I DONT HAVE ANY DAMN PRIVACY. Anyway, my mom is weird and she deleted my facebook last year, and i've lost all my of my 300 friends. I've created another one and I have 0 friends. In social media nobody tallks to m. I enrolled in English just to find a  teaching job in Korea or Japan, so I can move out. I wanted to be a surgeon but life went wrong. I don't know what to do, please help me. I prefer to die I'm alone and no one understands me... how can i survive my life? What shoud I do?

Amani

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Dear Amani,

Oh, my heart breaks for you when I hear the desperation in your words. I'm so happy you wrote. Reaching out for support takes a lot of strength. First of all, you are a SMART girl. Your English is fantastic. I think you chose a major that you're very talented in! It sounds like you have a lot of negative things working against you, but that does NOT mean it's impossible to reach your dreams. It will only be impossible if you let your depression overcome you. Set a goal and give everything you have to it. If you want to teach English abroad in Korea or Japan like you mentioned, talk to your teachers about the process to apply for the program, do your research and work hard in your classes. Make it happen. Rather than running away from everything you hate in your life, focus on running toward something you love. Have a plan of action that will motivate you everyday and let this passion for a new life drive you. I know this will not be easy for you, but I hear intelligence and strength in your email. I know you will get through this and you will come out on the other end even stronger.  

I really like this quote and think it pertains to you-"Rather than focusing on stopping negative momentum, just focus on starting positive momentum."

Are there any good moments with your parents? Is there anyone in your life you can get support from...a relative, a teacher, a friend? Are there any counseling services in your area? 

Even if your answer to all 3 of these questions is no, no no--suicide is NEVER the answer. You are a young girl with your whole life ahead of you. I know it's difficult in this painful moment to imagine a brighter future, but your life could change drastically in a year, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years....Don't miss out on the opportunity to enjoy your life, to find love, to live. 

Your thoughts are powerful and they in turn affect your feelings and behavior.  I want you to practice positive affirmations, mindful activities and deep breathing every morning and every evening.

Visualize a river of deep blue water and a stone rooted firmly. As the water rushes over and past the stone, no matter how swiftly, no matter how harshly, the strong stone stays firmly planted.  

I am worthy of love and good things in my life.

I am beautiful inside and out. 

I have so much to offer to the world.

Think of 1 positive thing that happened each day...no matter how small.

Think of 1 thing you are grateful for each day. 

Write in a journal, create art, go for a bike ride...do something you enjoy each day.

 

Sending you love and support,

GZ Advisor

 

Resource:

http://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/Africa/